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One of the biggest challenges couples face as they enter into long-term relationships is how to manage stress.
Couples who are newly dating or are in the honeymoon phase of their relationship may experience stress much differently than couples who’ve been together for years. For one, they have the excitement and thrill of a new relationship and they may not yet be living together, experiencing the mundane tasks of life. Their time together is still novel and fresh. Their brains are flooded with the love hormone, oxytocin, and they’re probably still having sex many times throughout the week.
But for couples who have been committed, living together, and maybe married for years, stress has an entirely different vibe to it.
One of the most common experiences couples talk to me about is how stressed out they are. Whether it’s stress about paying the bills, managing the schedule for their kids, or even being under a lot of pressure at work… being stressed out can be detrimental to feeling connected with your person.
That’s why it’s so important for couples to learn how to set boundaries with their stress to make time for intimate moments of connection, as well as learning self-care strategies and learning how to communicate to their partner when they just don’t have the time or energy to connect.
Perhaps the most effective strategy to help couples manage stress is by working with a licensed therapist to better understand how each partner manages stress in order to create an actionable treatment plan with identifiable goals. Not only will therapy help build upon and teach new skills to manage stress, but it breaks away from the “one-size fits all” approach you might find doing a quick google search.
Before we can understand what to do when stress impacts your relationship, we need to see how stress actually impacts couples.
Severely stressed out couples often take their frustrations out on each other, either in big fights, constantly criticizing or nagging each other, or making passive aggressive comments or moves in order to try and feel better.
When these couples are working with me, there’s generally a sense of needing to just have a win in an argument. These couples lose the ability to work as a team, and instead focus on how to maximize their own payoff. It becomes this “me versus you” dynamic where each partner sees the other as the “problem.”
For example, I’ve had couples tell me things like:
“He’s just so lazy. He never helps out around the house. It’s all on me to do everything and I’ve had it.”
“He nags me constantly. He’s so mean to me. No matter what I do, it’s never enough. I never win. I’m always the bad guy.”
“She’s always just so selfish. She only cares about herself.”
“They don’t even listen to me. I could be talking about something and then they continue on with their own conversation. I don’t feel heard.”
For these couples, they get stuck in what John Gottman, PhD calls “the roach motel.” Because they constantly are seeing the negative qualities in their partner, they get stuck in this negative absorbing state. In other words, “the roach motel.” Once they’re in it, it’s difficult and/or impossible for them to get out. They continue seeing the bad qualities in their partner (ie. selfishness, mean, lazy, etc.), no matter what kind or positive things their partner does to prove otherwise.
These couples experience more stress (on top of the stress from every other area of their life), have more big arguments without repair, and even have little to no sex.
Reading through that description… is that the kind of relationship you would be satisfied with? Would arguing and winning actually make you feel better?
Winning an argument may temporarily ease your stress, but very rarely does it actually solve the problem you and your partner are struggling with.
So we have a sense of what stress does to relationships, so then what? How can you actually learn to improve your ability to manage stress well together?
Here are a few ideas to begin improving your stress:
Learn to actively listen to what your partner is saying. Many times we think we are listening, but we’re not listening to understand. We’re listening to respond with our own perspective. Instead, try taking notes when your partner speaks.
Create a system to use to delegate household tasks and chores
Set limits with stressful conversations. Don’t have these right before bed!
Find experiences and hobbies that you both find fun to do together
Ask your partner what helps them to manage stress and work as a team to implement more of this
Work with an experienced couple’s therapist to fully understand the impact of stress on your relationship and practice using new skills to better your ability to connect
Stress management for LGBTQ+ Couples is an important skill to evolve the relationship into one that is mutually satisfying for both partners. If couples are able to find ways of working together and seeing themselves as a team, rather than a "me versus you" dynamic, they will be well on their way to creating the relationship they've been craving.
If you and your partner are struggling to manage stress in your relationship, schedule a consult with me. I'd be happy to meet with you and get a sense of where you are getting stuck and how therapy might change how you relate with your lover.
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